this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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