So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
