i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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