I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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