Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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