During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
