I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
