the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
