I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
