Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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