there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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