I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
