Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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