I murdered the dance floor call the cops
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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