In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
