I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
