i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Randomize
