yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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