Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
