Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
