if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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