Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
