I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
