You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
