When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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