he wants to bone in the snuggie
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
