nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
True strength comes from lack of pants
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
