You smell like stripper and shame
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
