so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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