"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
