just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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