She is in my trunk
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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