dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
