Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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