And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i think my tv is drunk
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
