Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
