90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
