That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
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