remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
