i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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