I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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