I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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