I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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