I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
