Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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