somebody snuck up and got me drunk
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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