I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
