My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
