Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We are all done wearing pants today
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Randomize
