I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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