I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I love how my cats smell like pot.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Drake has all the answers
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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